Thursday, August 25, 2011

A couple of weeks ago, we had the opportunity to go to the state fair to spend time with my family which we were really excited about. My little brother shows sheep up there (I did too a long time ago, lol) so they spend a week there camping. It's a lot of fun. Anyway, we drove up there, met up with my family and had a really fun day... and the weather was PERFECT which, in my 10 years of experience, is VERY rare, lol.

I did have a major down point. I know how awful it's going to sound but honestly, seeing my mom was a downer. She treats me like a stranger, never acknowledges my husband and barely interacts with my kids. She's only seen Ainzley once since she was born and mom didn't even glance at her while we were there. At one point, David and my dad were playing football at the campground and my mom walked out of the camper. A friend of mine asked David who that (my mom) was and he didn't say a word. My dad quickly responded with "That's no one." Everyone brushed it off but it was devastating to me. My mom really is no one to my kids. She is no one to Jason (not for lack of effort on his part) and soon, she may end up as no one to me. Since I've been in high school, I've longed for a relationship with my mom. I grew up with opportunities that my mom didn't have. I took advantage of the ones she wanted me to participate in (mainly 4-H and FFA) but, ultimately, it was the ones I found on my own that I loved the best (singing, show choir, etc). She didn't like that I wouldn't put her choices first and was very vocal about it. It got worse when I became LDS and married in the temple. I think it hit rock bottom for her when I got pregnant with David, got pregnant again with Ainzley, chose home birth and she finally realized that I have no plans to divorce my husband any time soon.

As a mother, I rejoice in my children. I don't know how I could love them anymore and want nothing more than for them to be happy. I want them to recognize their talents and pursue them, nurture them, grow them and share them. I want the BEST for them... I don't feel like my mom wants those things for me. I'm not saying I'm a better mom than mine is, I just wish she could appreciate the amazing things I've done in my life rather than hold a grudge because she realizes she couldn't control my life.

I am so jealous of girls/women who say their mom is their best friend. I am envious of moms who get to see their mom be a grandma. I think about the relationship I had with my mom's mom growing up. She was the BEST grandma I could have asked for! She did all the crafty things. We baked together. We watched movies together. Grandma's house was the best! I hate that my kids won't experience that with my mom.

My mom and I barely speak now. We basically have nothing to talk about. I try calling her and she won't answer her phone. I miss my family so much but being around them means being around her which is beyond difficult these days. I really don't know what to do anymore. It sucks so bad that I can't feel comfortable around my mom.

Ok, my venting/lamenting/pity party is over. Bless you if you made it to the end of this post!


Caryn Allen said...

Girl, I know exactly how you feel, except with my dad. Lili knows he's her grandpa, but he is so absent from our lives that "grandpa" doesn't mean anything to her, really. I've never really had a good relationship with him and it's only gotten worse over time. He's not as blatant as your mom, but it hurts all the same. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's so so so so hard. And girl, you are a better mom than your mom! Don't be afraid to admit it.

Jeni Brown said...

I am sorry Amy that is super hard to deal with. Hang in there and know that you have friends around here that will spoil your kids! Know that we love you and maybe some day the Lord will soften your Mom's heart. Hang in there!

Duree Pamilya said...

Thank you so much for the kind words you guys! It really makes me feel better and sooo blessed to have terrific friends :)

Elaine Duree said...

Amy, not that your asking for my words, but there is so much opportunity in the relationship your describing. See, your savior Loves you more then words can describe, if you don't know that first Learn that, that he does he loves you like no one can, That's just it, Heavenly Father asked you if you where willing to come down here to earth to be with your mother the way she is, you said yes, you would have come in even worse conditions, your mother does not know her savior loves her. she does not know how to love her grand babies, her daughter, not even herself. Love is so foreign to her. If you do know how much your savior loves you, then you will feel strong to want others to know of this love and feel of it to that you will help him, with his work to help others com unto him and be loved by him. Amy with the knowledge you have you can unite with him to have his power to help your mother receive love like none she has beheld before. (note, some may push it away) your children and you have the ability to shower her with love, don't let her lack of knowledge turn you, you have power with you to have all those dreams you desire, your Heavenly father wants those happy family things to be there for you, your children, and your mother, what you lack in ability he will make up for when you ask of him, of righteous desires. remember the family is the center unit of the gospel with out it there is no church. It means there is great power there that you may tap into a well of living water that will never run dry. Take courage and be about his work. May you revive this message from someone who hopes you do know how much he loves you and sees his blessings and gifts he gives unto you daily.

Ed and Jennifer said...

Amy, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Abandonment from a parent is devastating. I've watched Ed suffer from that as well with his father. Maybe one day she will come around. Will keep you in our prayers.

Throughout my late adolescense and adulthood, I have had many positions (professionally and volunteer basis) that have helped me develop skills necessary to serve as a liaison to the community on behalf of a professional organization. I have spent many years in various organizations which have helped me grow skills such as public speaking, note taking, and scheduling. I am proficient in organization and mediation – always keeping the mindset of finding middle ground and while meeting the needs of those involved. I excel in the area of community outreach and thrive in situations where I am given reign to be creative and managerial. I am committed to achieving the best outcome and feel I have many fantastic qualities to contribute to any organization.