A Decision I Just Cannot Come to Terms With

As I mentioned in my previous post, I will be delivering this baby in the hospital - a decision that I literally cannot come to terms with. Let me preface the rest of my post by saying tow things Most importantly, I feel like I should stress that despite the extraordinary circumstances surrounding Ainzley's birth, this decision is NOT being made out of fear. Secondly, that I have a TERRIFIC OB. He is seriously the best. He delivered me 25 years ago, both of my brothers, several of my cousins and my own son. I am completely comfortable in his care and I don't feel like he brushes my concerns or wants to the side like I've heard other women complain about their OB's. I'm also delivering at a terrific hospital. They have incredible technology and one of the best NICU's in the St. Louis area. Their birthing suites have been completely redone and feature amazing, soothing decor plus every bath attached to a birthing suite features jetted showers and jacuzzi tubs. The hospital also (if your OB clears you) allows deliveries in the jacuzzi tubs. They encourage wearing your own clothing for delivery to make you more comfortable and trying various birthing positions.

I feel like if I had to go back to the hospital, this would be the place to go. There's just one problem...

I'm a control freak. I want control over every single aspect of my labor and delivery. I don't want to be hooked up to monitors, I don't want an IV, I don't want my baby whisked away for cleaning, weighing, measuring... I want my home birth again. I want my amazing midwives and my laid back atmosphere. I want my support team doing what I ask/tell/demand (bc let's face it, it's labor, lol). I want to be on my schedule, not theirs. I know that my OB is wonderful and that we have talked and have made decisions about my care, but I also know that once we walk through the doors of that hospital, that there is a third player in the game. One who will overrule and have the final say because of liability risks more than anything. For me, it's almost spirit crushing.

Every time I think about the labor and delivery of this baby, I get so giddy and excited. Neither of my other deliveries were a piece of cake yet here I sit looking forward to the day when I get to do it again.

I know most women would roll their eyes at me and say I ask too much - I should just be thankful for the healthy baby in my arms at the end of it all. But the fact is I do care about how the baby got their. I worked my butt of for 40+ weeks leading up to that moment and I want the end to be magnificent. Ainzley's birth was probably one of the empowering moments of my life - it was filled with challenges - yet it was simply spectacular.

So here I sit. Torn between what I want and what I know is coming. I am determined to still have my natural birth. After having a fully medicated birth and a fully natural birth, the two cannot compare (for me at least). I know their are obstacles ahead and I'm trying my best to stay optimistic about it. I'm working on accepting the fact that I'll be giving up some control and accepting some "risk" in going to the hospital. At the same time, I'm fueling my passion. I'm rereading my previous birth stories, picking them apart for the best of both worlds, trying desperately to grasp reality and not live in ignorance.

Meshing two very different experiences together is difficult for sure. I'm determined to make this birth the best I've experienced. I'm very much looking forward to the marathon again, this time in a less comfortable surrounding, but surrounded by love with Jason by my side. I'm sure this won't be my last post on the subject but writing this made me feel more at peace.